by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women
I’m not big on shopping, especially around the holidays, when mere boredom and dissatisfaction are joined by the potential mortal peril of accidentally placing yourself between bargain-desperate consumers and the sole package of whatever hot item it is they intend to buy or die trying.
Still, when wandering the aisles of some godforsaken mall, I do at least get to do some window shopping, during which I’m always keeping an eye out for mannequins which have been posed in inappropriate postures by mischievous shoppers.
This year, my holiday window shopping voyeurism fell flat, though; out of the dozens of shops I passed by, I didn’t see a single display which gave me even the slightest giggle. Not one unzipped fly with something sticking out and nary a single exposed mannequin nipple.
This disappointing brick-and-mortar browsing is why I’m filled with jealousy this morning, a window shopping envy, pointed in the general direction of Bonn, Germany.
Christmas Display, Or Porn Parody Of Noah’s Ark?
As described by the Daily Mail, a shop window in Bonn featured a display which “appeared to show robotic animal toys mating.”
I’ll also concede that for the first time, I’m starting to think there might be something to all these complaints about porn filling people’s heads with unrealistic expectations and fueling insecurity about one’s own adequacy. I mean, how on earth is a pair of stone-faced quasi-humans vaguely fondling each other supposed to compete with a toy monkey humping an elephant’s trunk?
Not to be outdone, as reported by various sources, another monkey appears to be “colluding with a bear.” To be fair, these reports don’t say precisely how the monkey is “colluding” with the bear, or what all this collusion is in furtherance of, so maybe they’re just conspiring to steal something from the shop, not to create monkey-bear hybrid toys as passersby snap pictures.
What’s also strange about this display is its decided lack of connection with the Christmas theme. I think it’s safe to say the shop wasn’t looking to mimic a traditional manger scene, or even a non-traditional manger scene.
If anything, this window display sounds like it has less to do with Jesus and more to do with another Biblical figure, Noah. Come to think of it, animals being animals, there probably was some “monkey business” going down on the Ark – although one hopes if there was any interspecies action, the pairings were more sensible from a physiological standpoint than a monkey/elephant tryst, or a grizzly bear trying to take a roll in the hay with an orangutan.
Oh, Lighten Up For Christ’s Sake
If there’s one thing about this report which strikes me as even more foreign than the idea of celebrating Christmas by posing a toy monkey so it looks like his penis is inside an elephant’s trunk, it’s the notion of being greatly disturbed by such a display.
“My friend Tara and I were a bit taken aback, it’s not really what you would expect to see in a shop window at Christmas time,” said the woman who took and posted the pictures in the report. “The weirdest part was that no one else seemed shocked by the display apart from us, everyone was acting like it was totally normal which I didn’t understand.”
Just so we’re clear here, it’s not normal to pose toy animals in sexual fashion in a shop window at Christmastime, but it is normal to take pictures of the display and upload them to social media, so everyone else can be as shocked as you are? Interesting.
Supposing for a moment this person really was “shocked” by the display, my advice to her would be to lighten the fuck up.
Now, to be just as clear, if this were a real monkey fucking a real elephant trunk in the store window…. Well, I’d ask you what the hell kind of store you’re standing outside of and whether it might actually be a zoo, but that’s not really my point.
My point is, if you’re shocked by this sort of thing, those of us who think it’s funny as hell aren’t weird, we’re just less uptight than you are.
My advice? Stop obsessing over what toy monkeys do with their cocks at Christmastime – and next year, maybe stick to Debenhams; the only disturbing thing I’ve ever seen depicted in a window there was a woman with big gold balls growing out of her head.
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Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.
Latest posts by Calico Rudasil (see all)
- Why Is Porn Everywhere On The Internet? Because It Can Be. - January 4, 2017
- Pro Tip: Watching Porn Can’t Cause ED If You Don’t Have A Penis - December 31, 2016
- Suddenly, My Holiday Window Shopping Seems Quite Dull - December 26, 2016