by Calico Rudasil at Sssh.com Porn For Women
When it comes right down to it, the relationship between people and erotica is a long and complicated one. It’s a relationship which is neither as problematic as the most staunchly anti-porn critics proclaim it to be, nor as cozy and affirming as porn’s proponents suggest.
Read on…
Like everything else we consume, produce and consider, our perception of pornography is individual. There’s just no singular, “correct” way to think about porn, just as there’s no definitively right way to look at depictions of violence, or anything else to which we react strongly when it’s portrayed on screen. What you make of such depictions has as much to do with you as the depictions themselves, because we all bring our own experiences, backgrounds, perspective and bias to the table as viewers.
This is why, even though I largely agree with it, I also can’t fully endorse the sentiment behind Andre Shakti’s recent Cosmo post “8 Reasons Watching Porn Doesn’t Make Him A Cheater.”
Jimmy Carter, Infidelity and The Bible
OK, the above transitional headline probably needs a little explanation, especially for readers under the age of 45.
Back in 1976, then-Presidential candidate Jimmy Carter gave an interview to Playboy in which he explained his perspective on people who cheat on their spouses.
Here’s the part everybody remembers: “Christ said, ‘I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery.’ I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times.”
And here’s the part nobody ever mentions, which is sort of odd, in that it caused by far the bigger stir at the time: “But that doesn’t mean that I condemn someone who not only looks on a woman with lust but who leaves his wife and shacks up with somebody out of wedlock. Christ says, don’t consider yourself better than someone else because one guy screws a whole bunch of women while the other guy is loyal to his wife. The guy who’s loyal to his wife ought not to be condescending or proud because of the relative degree of sinfulness.”
Carter’s point obviously wasn’t that anybody who looks at another woman with lust in his heart is some awful, philandering mental-infidelity cheater; his point was, those who merely look shouldn’t go around feeling too superior to those who take it further than just looking.
To me, this is a little like the dichotomy between people who watch porn behind the back of spouses who would prefer they not do it, and people who straight-up cheat on their spouses. Sure, it’s better not to mess around on your spouse, but if he or she really, sincerely, strongly doesn’t want you to watch porn, I’m not sure it’s a whole lot more honorable to sneak in porn sessions behind their back than it would be to secretly step out on them.
On The Other Hand….
At this point, a lot of people reading this post probably have a palm to their face, sitting in utter disbelief that a woman who has spent close to half her life working in the adult industry would suggest there’s any equivalency between watching porn and cheating on one’s spouse. If I really think that, aren’t I sort of cyber-homewrecker of some kind?
The most obvious reason the answer is no, of course, is a great number of single people watch porn, and obviously they aren’t ‘cheating’ on anybody in so going.
Second, what I said wasn’t that watching porn is the same as cheating; what I said is watching porn when your significant other clearly doesn’t want you to do so isn’t “a whole lot more honorable” than cheating on them. The connection is, either way, you’re doing something against the expressed preference of someone with whom you’ve entered into a relationship – and I think that’s inarguably a pretty good way to piss off your significant other.
Now, to be clear, this perspective only applies if watching porn is something a couple has talked about (either voluntarily or because one side of the couple got caught at doing it) and the one who doesn’t watch porn has made it clear they don’t want their partner to do so, either – and their partner has agreed not to.
The italicized line above is an important distinction, obviously, because trying to hold someone to a promise they never actually made isn’t just unreasonable, it’s the kind of deranged expectation you’d find not in a partner in a committed relationship, but from a stalker so obsessed with a celebrity he’s never actually met that he believes she’s consciously communicating with him during Avon commercials using her eyebrows.
If It Matters That Much, It Might Be Time To Reconsider the Relationship
Let’s get something clear here: As I see it, the issue isn’t porn, at all, but the nature of human relationships.
In my view, human relationships, and romantic relationships in particular, are like a series of negotiations which never really end – unless they end in breaking up, of course.
When it comes to porn-viewing and couples, unless neither person watches porn, there’s basically three possible positions for the switch: (1) both partners watch porn (together or separately) and they’re fine with each other doing so (2) only one partner watches, but the other is OK with it or (3) one partner watches and the other is decidedly not OK with it.
It’s always possible the two sides of a couple which fits into Category 3 could come to some sort of accommodation, of course; the person who disapproves of porn can find it in their heart to overlook the porn-dalliances of the other, or the porn-watcher can give up porn.
If the porn divide becomes too great, however, if the person against porn can’t forgive the perceived transgression, and the person who wants to keep watching porn can’t forget their desire, there’s not much left to do but call it a day and go your separate ways.
This notion of splitting over a porn disagreement really isn’t some tragedy, by the way. People break up, divorce and go their separate ways over all kinds of issues, the most common of which, to this day, remains disagreements over the couple’s finances.
Compared to a porn-inspired split, the difference is when a couple divorces over money issues, nobody suggests the government should ban the dollar bill.
Funny how that works, eh?
[image: Huffington Post]
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